Facing The Fight
Come To Jesus Meeting
My mornings have changed significantly over the past couple of months. One of these days I’ll write about it, but all I will say for now is that I thoroughly enjoy my mornings! There is nothing like starting out the day with a slow pace, a cup of coffee, and conversation with your best friend which happens to be my husband! Steve has to leave for work before I do, so that gives me a few more minutes to spend time with God and plan my day.
On this particular morning, everything was going well, and out of nowhere, I had a “come to Jesus” moment. It started out as innocently as putting on a sweatshirt to go to work. The shirt was a quote from Psalm 16:8 and simply says, “I Will Not Be Shaken.”
“What a good declaration to make over my life,” so I thought, but then I heard the words, “You’re a hypocrite!”
It was one of those moments when you almost catch your breath and turn around to look for someone in the room. But it was only me, alone with myself—or so I thought. But that voice wasn’t giving up, “The only reason you aren’t shaken is because you never face things that are painful or uncomfortable. You haven’t for years! You wrap them up tightly with some mind-numbing mental material and shove them farther and farther from your conscious memory. You’ve done this so many times with multiple people and circumstances that some of the memories have actually started fading. They’ve been steeped in the elements of apathy, fear, anxiety, guilt, and uncertainty until they are unrecognizable.”
Isn’t it just like Jesus to show up at His own “Come to Jesus” meeting? What He said next was so compassionate yet painful. “If you keep running away from everything that scares you, and you never confront your Goliaths, never climb your obstacles, never face your fears, then you never give me a chance to work on your behalf.” And then the still small voice, “Are you afraid I won’t?”
When the Creator of the Universe asks you that question, it puts everything into perspective. I couldn’t deny the truth. I started thinking back through my past, scouring for the source of this fear to confront. It didn’t come from my dad. As a preacher, he was never afraid to confront situations head on, from the pulpit, leading his congregation, in his relationships, even at a Shoney’s Restaurant when the breakfast bar ran out of biscuits. But my mom—that is a different story. My mom was the kindest, most compassionate woman alive, but she was never confrontational, not a day in her life. I remember hiding with my mom and my sister if someone came to the door and my dad wasn’t home. Even back then, I was hiding from a perceived threat that I didn’t even know was a threat. It could have been the Clearinghouse Sweepstakes team stopping by our house to tell us we won a million dollars, and we would never have known! We hid from monsters that might have been mirrors—mere reflections of the things we were terrified to confront.
It carried over into my college years. As a student, I was a perfectionist! If I didn’t make an A, it was the same as making an F. When my professors passed back my essays, it took an hour before I got up enough nerve to peek at the grade. Back then, most papers were folded in half like a hotdog, so I would quickly stuff it into my binder waiting until I was out of the stare of prying eyes (there were no prying eyes except in my imagination. I was not writing college essays on confidential government conspiracies). I would run to the library, find a table tucked away between stacks of books, and gently, like I was defusing a bomb, pull back the corner to peer at my grade. I would breathe a sigh of relief if it was an A or quickly hide it back in my binder if it was a B. And I never knew what the professors wrote on the paper, even if it was an A, because I was afraid that they would tell me how wretched and pathetic my writing was.
Through the years, I began to see this as almost a super power. If someone hurt me, or I had a difficult situation coming at me, I could take those thoughts, those feelings, those fears and bury them so deep that I didn’t have to deal with them anymore. It is how I protected myself. If something happened that brought those things to the surface again, I changed into my superhero persona, (golden lasso and reflective gold bracelets) and I made it vanish. I didn’t have to worry about pain or offense because if I kept it buried long enough, it barely made a dent in my memory.
This pattern spilled over into everyday situations. If something was out of my comfort zone or I just didn’t have a solution, I would add it to the bottom of my To-Do list every day, until finally it had been added and readded so many times that someone else took care of it or it was irrelevant or had imploded into a huge mess. What I perceived as being independent and strong was in reality being cowardly and irresponsible.
Not facing the fight was the other side of the coin of people pleasing. And if anyone knows me, they know that I am a card-carrying VIP member of the People Pleasers Club—have the T-shirt and attend every meeting. I get pre-occupied with everyone’s opinion of me that one sideways glance from anyone leaves me with a million questions of what I did and why that person hates me. Instead of facing the truth or (here’s a novel idea) having a conversation with that person, I bury it. The problem is that some things don’t stay buried. It’s like body hidden in the backyard. Eventually something or someone is going to come along and dig it up.
Minutes from the Meeting
A few months ago, I had prayed, no begged would be a better word, for God to remove this spirit of intimidation from my heart. Whatever it was that kept me afraid, insecure, beat down, paranoid, and non-confrontational had wreaked enough havoc in my life, and I wanted it gone. Instead of supernaturally releasing me from that dark valley, Jesus said, “I’m not going to take it away, but I’m going to walk you through it.” Now in the middle of this moment, He said, “Let’s continue this meeting. I’m going to show you how to get free.”
I ran to my journal; I started writing everything the Holy Spirit was speaking to me. I felt like I was an executive assistant trying feverishly to document each note—taking minutes for my own “come to Jesus” meeting. This is what He revealed to me:
Ignoring problems because I don’t know what to do with them will not excuse me from responsibility. I confess that there are times when I have been so overwhelmed, so lost at how to handle situations, that I avoid them. I move the sticky note to the next day, save the phone call until tomorrow, banish the memory from my consciousness until reality comes knocking at the door and I either hide like nobody is home, or I pay the piper. Proverbs speaks right to this by stating, “If you do nothing in a difficult time, your strength is limited. Rescue those being taken off to death, and save those stumbling toward slaughter. If you say, ‘But we didn’t know about this,’ won’t he who weighs hearts consider it? Won’t he who protects your life know? Won’t he repay a person according to his work?” (Proverbs 24:10-12) Pleading ignorance will not negate the consequences of my actions or lack of them. God sees the heart; He knows what is at the core. We must all succumb to the law of sowing and reaping. If we sow good seeds, we will receive good in return. But God isn’t the helicopter parent waiting to rescue us every time we use the excuse, “I didn’t know! It wasn’t on purpose!” He is more concerned about building our character than banishing our consequences.
Failing to confront situations or tackle obstacles isn’t just a disadvantage; it is a sin. This hit me like a punch in the gut! I was blatantly disobeying God for years, all the while believing that I was struggling with a flaw in my character. James 4:17 plainly states “So any person who knows what is right to do but does not do it, to him it is sin.” I couldn’t hide from it. Procrastinating, avoiding people or situations on purpose—it was disobedience. Deciding whether or not to endure conflict or confront a situation is not an option. It is not a time to bury our heads in the sand and act like everything is alright. God called us to be warriors not whiners, rushers not retreaters, creators not destroyers.
God’s words to Joshua to be strong and courageous weren’t just a pep talk or friendly advice. They were a mandate. “Haven’t I commanded you: be strong and courageous? Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9) I don’t get to choose if I’m going to be strong and courageous. If I want to be obedient to God, it is my commission. However, God never gives us a commission without providing a means to carry it out. He promises that I will be strong and courageous because I don’t walk alone. His presence promises to be with me in every situation, in front of every Goliath, through every valley, in each pit of despair. If need be, God is not only with me, but He will carry me through. With that kind of assurance, why wouldn’t I be courageous?
Reflection
When God walks us through something, it isn’t just for our benefit. It is so we can help others. With that in mind, I know there are some people who struggle with the same problems that I do. I can’t be the only one who hates facing the fight. If this is you, I encourage you to reflect on some things in your life.
Make a list of everything you have trouble confronting. Maybe it's something simple like asking your boss for time off, but you’re terrified if you do, it will diminish how he feels about you (this may or may not be based on actual events or be part of a true story lol). You keep putting it off and putting it off until the day is nearly upon you and you still haven’t asked. Now you are in a dire situation with few options because you believed the lie that ignoring problems somehow excuses you from responsibility.
Perhaps it is something much weightier. Like the death of a loved one. You just can’t wrap your head around the reason why God would take someone in that way! It doesn’t fit your picture of how life should be or how God should act, so you’ve done the next best thing—you've shoved the pain, the memory, maybe even God, down so deep that no one could ever find it. You can’t face what you can’t see. But what I’ve discovered is what I try to bury seldom stays buried forever. Sooner or later, it comes uncovered, and what is left of it is almost undiscernible because it wasn’t dealt with in the beginning.
Take your list, that situation or that person—whatever intimidates, scares, or taunts you—take it to Jesus right now. Unbury it and lay it on the altar. Maybe you are wondering what that looks like. For me it was taking my journal and actually reading them out one by one and confessing, “Father, I repent. I haven't just made life harder for me and others, I’ve sinned. I have disobeyed you. But I want to lay all that down and follow after you.” After confessing all those things before God, I physically took my journal and laid it on the floor before God. I needed to “do” something. It needed to be a real life gesture in my heart, my mind, and my body. Whatever it takes for you, lay it on the altar. And the altar can be wherever you are with God.
Ask the Holy Spirit to make it clear when you start to fall back into those old patterns. It took years for you to get to where you are, it will take a while for you to break free from those thought processes. And when He tugs at your heart and whispers (or shouts) into your mind, listen and do what is hard. You were created to do hard things, and Jesus delights in helping you do them. It will take reminding yourself, “Jesus commanded me to be strong and courageous. It isn’t an option. Jesus promised He would show Himself strong on my behalf. I will do what I know to do and take the first step. His presence is with me in this moment.” Let your voice echo His words. Try it, one day, one minute, one situation, one person at a time and see what He does.
If you’re still not convinced, listen to what Jesus is saying to you: “If you keep running away from everything that scares you, then you never give me a chance to work on your behalf. Are you afraid I won’t?”
Only you can answer that question.